Mortgage phone monkey here, back to entertain you with another round of Shut The Fuck Up, You Have No Idea What You’re Talking About. I’ve not been on here in a few months, so the stories have built up.
My job involves a certain amount of contact with solicitors, chasing things they’ve only sent through that day. The team that works on them have a 24-48 hour turnaround - considering that another mortgage company a colleague used to work for had a turnaround of TWO WEEKS, that’s pretty damn good. So don’t ring me up, an hour after you’ve sent them, screaming down the phone at me because you haven’t received it - “Well [parent company] can get them out straight away,” no, they really can’t - their turnaround is a week, “We‘re completing today, we NEED them!!!”. Your shouting does not bother me - I just look at the Post-It note I have stuck to my computer saying “A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine”, smile and say “I’ll talk to their manager” who, more often than not, gives me a WTF?! face and says “No, we’ll get it done tomorrow”. I love her a little bit.
Another thing - I technically work for two companies. For the purpose of the story, I’ll call them ABC and XYZ. Now, these two companies are subsidiaries of an international bank - we’ll call them DEF.
Now, dear DEF customers, please get it into your heads that, just because they’re our parent company, doesn’t mean we can see your accounts. THEY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. Shouting “You can access my account, you just don’t want to!” is complete bull. I have absolutely NO WAY of accessing your account and even if I did, I don’t know what the hell I’d be looking at. Please, call this number and you can speak to them. No, I’m not passing the buck - I. CAN’T. HELP. YOU. The thing that really bugs me about these customers? Nowhere in our phone menu does it say “DEF”. I’ve listened. It says “ABC” and “XYZ”. Customers, LISTEN.
Another thing - as is de riguer with pretty much all banking institutions, on every single call, we HAVE to go through security questions. HAVE to. If we don’t, we can get fired. So, Mr X, when you refuse to give out your date of birth as “you don’t like giving it out over the phone” (because, y’know, we can do SO much with it), I will refuse to go ahead with the call, as we have been told to do. Asking to speak to someone more senior will not help you - they will do exactly the same thing. In the end, I ended up giving you to one of the blokes on the team who actively ENJOYS speaking to confrontational or difficult customers. He then told me later on you’d asked him to give you his date of birth. How I wish he had - I would’ve loved to have seen what you’d done then. On the same topic, Mr Y - you failed our security questions. We ask for your name, date of birth, address and something account specific. You got the first two right. Everything else was hugely wrong. When my colleague who took the call explained that she’d have to disconnect the call, why on EARTH did you feel it necessary to scream & shout at her and call her a “useless human being“?! Luckily, this girl has the thickest skin ever and is also four months pregnant and hormonal - she really wasn’t in the mood to be shouted at. She talked over you as you raised her voice at her and, when you asked for a manager, she got our supervisor (who she’s actually really good friends with) to speak to you. You then proceeded to shout at my manager for five minutes before you either hung up or someone used one of those paralysing gizmos Obadiah Stane has on you. I sincerely hope it was the latter.
One last thing - ANY person who shouts and screams at a customer service rep, anyone who calls them pathetic, worthess, a waste of space etc - you’re the one shouting at and degrading someone who’s only trying to earn a living. Makes you a little bit pathetic, don’t you think?