Hello again from the purple-and-orange tea shop! This suck requires a little bit of background information.
When you buy tea from me in the store, I ask if you have one of our Special Tea Containers. If you don't, I'll try my darndest to sell you one because they're pretty nifty and very useful. If you already have one, I'll give you a big smile and a paper transfer bag, assuming that you will move the tea from the bag into your STC once you get home.
However, if you buy tea from the company online, they will ship it to you in a small resealable plastic bag because there's no guarantee that the tea will make it into your STC within five days. We do not have small resealable bags in the store, only really big ones, and you can only get one of those if (a) we're not sold out, and (b) you're buying more than two pounds.
Now, onto the suck! In script format behind the cut for your reading pleasure.
The scene: 5:55pm on Sunday, just a few minutes before we close. I'm wiping down the counter when Angry Man (AM), Wife, and Son enter the store.
Me: Hi! How are you today?
AM: Fine, thanks. I'd like some of the Expensive Black Tea, please.
Me: [big smile] Of course! [gets barrel down from wall cubby] This is a great tea. Have you bought it from us before?
AM: Yes. Oh, and I got a coupon from you guys, but I don't have it with me. Can I still use it?
Me: Uh, yeah, we have a copy by the register I can scan for you. This month it's $5 off when you spend $35. How much of the tea would you like today?
AM: One pound, please. So I'll get $10 off, right?
Me: Ah, no, sorry, The coupon is $5 off when you spend $35 or more, not $5 off for every $35 you spend. [fetches coupon from register, shows it to AM]
AM: *to Wife* ... valid until October 31st ...
Me: Yeah, October's coupon was $10 off when you spent $50. This month's coupon is $5 off when you spend $35. Do you have a STC at home?
AM: Yes. I'd like it in a bag.
Me: All right! [snags 2 transfer bags from under the counter] I'm going to have to split it into two transfer bags, ok? [starts setting up scale]
AM: Wait, what? Why are you splitting it into two bags?
Me: Because each bag will only fit about 8oz. It's ok, I'll make sure you still get the 10% off!* [begins measuring tea into first bag]
AM: And the free tea samples, I get those too, right?
Me: [mental warning light beginning to flash] No, we don't give those out in the store. That's only available online. You're welcome to help yourself to any of the tea samples we have out, though.
AM: But why can't you just give it to me?
Me: [trying to seem like I'm kind of joking] You see this guy here? [points to Bossman, who has emerged from the back room and is doing something on the computer] He's my boss. You have no idea how much trouble I'd be in with him if I just gave you free tea leaves.
AM: Well, can't you ask him?
Me: Sure! [turns to B] Hey Bossman, you know that thing where if you buy a certain amount of tea online, they give you free tea samples? Do we do that in the store?
B: No, we do not.
Me: [finishes measuring tea into the two bags, prints out two labels] Ok, there we go! It's s little over 16oz, so you'll definitely get the 10% off* in addition to the coupon. Now, just make sure you get the tea into your STC as soon as you get home, ok?
AM: Why does the tea need to be in a tin?
Me: [mental warning light flashing more urgently] Because in these little paper bags, the tea will only stay fresh for about 5 days.
AM: WHAT! That's unacceptable! Why can't you give me a metal bag like I get when I order tea online?!
Me: I'm very sorry sir, but we're sold out of the resealable bags.
AM: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE SOLD OUT! I spend hundreds of dollars every month online and this is the service I get?!
Me: ... [completely shocked by AM's outburst] I believe you, and we really appreciate your business, but we're sold out of the resealable bags.
AM: I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE STORE MANAGER!
B: [turns to AM] I'm the general manager.
AM: I want a resealable bag for my tea!
B: Listen, you only get the little bags if you buy online. In the store, we only have one size of resealable bag, and they're for if you're getting two or more pounds of tea. And we happen to be sold out of those.
AM: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE SOLD OUT!
B: .... [obviously as confused as everyone else by this] We're ... sold out? We ran out? We don't have any right now?
AM: I want the regional director's card!
B: .... Why?
AM: This is completely unacceptable!
B: Let me write down the customer service number for you. [writes it down on a sticky note]
AM: [snatches sticky note from B's hand, starts to storm out]
Wife: [says something in another language to AM, obviously along the lines of, "but what about the tea?"]
AM: [responds in same language, equally obviously along the lines of, "forget it! We're leaving!"]
Me + Coworkers: What.
B: Let's get those doors closed!
*if you buy 16iz (1lb) of tea, you get 10% off the price of the tea.
.... I just can't wait for Black Friday. Any guesses about the kind of people who go shopping for expensive tea at 3am? Coworker S and I are kind of excited to find out.
To all my fellow Statesians: Happy Thanksgiving!
- Angry Man is Too Angry for Tea